My Quest to Get in The Babylon Bee

Every time I see a headline from The Babylon Bee I have two reactions: 1) “That’s pretty funny,” and 2) “I wish I had created something like The Babylon Bee.”

I admire that anybody is doing aggressive, biting satire from a right-leaning, pro-Christian standpoint, and the consistent quality of their work makes me admire it all the more. Some other people have made an effort, and I’m glad they did, but I think we have to be honest with ourselves and admit that when you say “Christian comedy” the expectation of quality tends to be the same as when you say “Christian music.”

The Babylon Bee has made a name for themselves, though, and not a well-I-guess-that’s-the-best-we-can-hope-for name. A good name. A name you can count on for funny.

So, as a person who sees the world from the right side politically, and as a person who likes to think I can be funny too, I’ve made it my goal to get some of my stuff published in The Babylon Bee. It’ll be a challenge, because clearly they don’t publish stuff from just anybody. But if I hunker down and try really hard and maybe include some gift cards with my submissions, it’s a goal I think I can reach.

Getting Foot in Door

In the past, the Bee has listed on their site their requirements for reader submissions. Sometimes those requirements are easy to find and sometimes not, I’m assuming based on how much time they have to look through the deluge of submissions.

Currently, the submission requirements are impossible to find. Instead, they flatly state that they’re not accepting reader ideas for stories at this time. Instead, if you have an idea, they recommend you subscribe to the Bee, which will give you access to the headline submission forum. The subscription is a fairly reasonable price — plus you get a free coffee mug! — so I won’t let this be an obstacle. For I am sure that, no matter how overcrowded this forum is, my contributions will shine out like gold and rise to the top like something lighter than gold, but still shiny!

Headline Forum: Week 1

Once I had access to the headline forum, I immediately created a new Google Doc to keep track of my headline ideas, of which I was sure there’d be plenty.

After I had a few pages full of ideas, I started refining and ranking them. My plan was to lead with my best and try to get the editors’ attention right off the bat. Some of my first submissions:

  • Holy Spirit Irate at Always Being Mentioned Third
  • “North Korea Visit Proves Trump a Friend to Dictators,” Say People Planning a Vacation to Cuba
  • Hipster Tries to Top Communion Wafer with Tiny Piece of Avocado
  • Liberal Restaurant Owner Throws Out Trump-Supporting Baker, Follows Him To Work, Demands He Bake A Cake Celebrating That Time She Threw A Trump-Supporter Out Of Her Restaurant

I had plenty more, but I quickly found out that there was a limit in the headline forum of four submissions per day. Turns out there are lots of aspiring comedy writers like yours truly out there, and the unlimited flow of ideas was straining the servers and causing brown-outs up and down the West Coast.

So, four a day it is, and I’m going to try to make four quality headline submissions every day for as long as I can. Hopefully I’ll get some good feedback and encouragement from the forum, and I’ll keep posting updates on my progress. On to publication, followed by the untold riches of an internet comedy writer!

3 thoughts on “My Quest to Get in The Babylon Bee

  1. Hey man- I followed you here from the BB forum- hope that’s not weird. I’ve been on the forum a couple weeks as well. I had to find out who the guy is who is cranking out 4 consistently hilarious headlines every day. Your piece for the Federalist was awesome. A truly unique and well written take like nothing I’ve read anywhere else. I crunched some numbers from the site and ranked everyone in terms of average upvotes per article. As of yesterday, you’re #7, if you don’t count Kyle, Ethan, or Seth. Good luck! At this rate I’m sure you’ll be published soon. I love your material, and best wishes as you and the family go through the adoption process.

    1. Hey, that’s super nice, and I really should check my comments more often. Good legwork on the statistics there, too. Now all I want to do is work my way up from seventh. Thanks for the well-wishes. We’re near the finish line on adoption and I’ll try to post stuff here to keep everybody updated.

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