The Most Important Things About the 4th of July

The 4th of July means many things, but most importantly, it’s the day we set aside to remind people of things that aren’t mentioned any other time of the year:

1) Don’t eat raw meat off the grill. Just wait and it’ll be done in a minute, you fat pig.
2) Don’t put fireworks in your mouth. It’s not specifically mentioned in the warnings, but trust me.
3) In the name of humanity, people in civilized countries don’t fire guns up into the air. If you can’t resist, just go ahead and put some fireworks in your mouth.

Make note, because you probably won’t be reminded again until this time next year. Have a safe and happy 4th!