Former Owner of USFL’s New Jersey Generals Gains Access to Nuclear Launch Codes

donald-trump-herschel-walker-generals-usfl

Trump with his future Secretary of Untackleability

What just happened? I could not be more amazed if I had turned on the news and seen Bigfoot walk out of the woods and give a press conference where he announced that he was opening a chain of hair salons called “Sassyquatch.”

I haven’t been this wrong about anything since that time I let Anthony Weiner borrow my cell phone. From the time it looked like he would get the nomination right up until about 8:00 on Tuesday night, I thought Trump was going to get absolutely curb stomped in the general election.

Then someone I follow tweeted out a picture of financial futures markets acting strangely. “Hmm,” I thought, “some people with money at stake think Trump might win. Market overreaction, probably.”

Then, a little after 9:00, Hillary posted a tweet that said something to the effect of, “No matter what happens tonight everyone who worked on my campaign has a lot to be proud of!”

And my eyes bugged out as if I were having a dubiously explained seizure at a 9/11 memorial service. And I thought, “Holy crap. She thinks she lost.” And then the dominoes started to fall. By the end of the night, all the people on TV who get paid to be right about politics were completely wrong about politics.

So the world’s upside-down, a lot of people are surprised, and none more so than me. But in the wake of this upheaval, some things have become much more clear. Or at least I’m going to have a chance to be wrong about some completely different things. Anyways, here’s how it looks to me.

The Republicans didn’t win anything

As the dust settles it becomes more apparent that Trump didn’t win because people really wanted to vote for him; he won because people really didn’t want to vote for Hillary. This was a race to see who was the worst presidential candidate of all time, and Trump, amazingly, came in second.

Nothing is over

To all the hopeful conservatives who are seeing this as some kind of sign that the progressive movement has had its Waterloo and country is turning around, may I direct your attention to the ongoing, nationwide Fukushima-level meltdown by Hillary supporters. The political left is making it clear that they have learned nothing and will learn nothing from this failure. Their opposition to Trump will follow the same blueprint as their opposition to the “illegitimate” presidency of George W. Bush, except louder and harder and more. Buckle up; the election was just the undercard.

Leave a Reply