For Dads Only, a Serious Question: What Do You Call It?

wang_computersMy son just turned three, and I am proud to say that he has fully grasped the idea that going in the potty is way better than going in your pants. Yes, he’s a highly advanced child. Soon, we’ll expect him to be able to perform simple repairs on our air conditioner and represent me during my frequent appearances in traffic court.

So the potty training thing is behind us as far as training to actually go to the potty is concerned. However, since my boy is, in fact, a boy, we still have to deal with issues of technique. As in, sitting for number two and standing for number one.

Right now, everything is done seated, because if you’ve got to pick one position to start with, that’s definitely the one. Not only does it allow you to take care of all your business, but it helps to keep my son in one place, which is something he’s not constitutionally inclined to do. It’s hard to have success in potty training when your kid gets distracted in the middle of it and runs off down the hall spraying pee everywhere like Axe body spray in a high school boys locker room.

We’ve been doing it that way for a few months now with great success, so I figure it’s time for him to start working on standing to go when appropriate. But when instructing him, I find myself in a dilemma I’ve never had to face until now: what do I call it?

Because when we’re in the bathroom together and I’m trying to tell him what to do, I struggle for the right term. “Ok, hold your… thing there and point it… No, not there. Grab that… area… there…”

It’s not like I don’t have plenty of terms at my disposal. If I were just sitting around joking with my friends, I could go on for days. Guys’ talking about names for their business are like Eskimos’ talking about words for snow. But my son doesn’t have a lifetime of experience joking about his French Quarter like us grown-ups do. At this time in his life, it’s almost like we’re trying to christen it. So, I want to pick the right name.

Some possibilities I’m considering:

  • Unit: Useful, especially when he’s at an age when he doesn’t know anything else as a unit. But let’s see what else is available.
  • Winkie: Cute for about five minutes, but starts to seem too cute fast (see also: wee-wee, pee-pee, and dingley-doo).
  • Junk: I think this is hilarious, but I don’t want to start my boy off thinking that his junk is junk. We’ll enjoy this more when he’s 14 or 15.
  • Wang: Also useful, concise, not the name of anything else, and slightly funny, especially from a three-year-old.
  • Jake, Jake the One-Eyed Snake: A personal favorite, but too long to be of practical use.
  • John Thompson: More dignified sounding, but I’m concerned he might confuse it with a person actually named John Thompson.
  • Penis: Accurate, but too clinical.
  • Jimmy: Would immediately provide us with some rap cred, but again has the possible problem of confusion when he meets people named Jimmy.

Right now, I think the front-runner has to be “wang.” But I’d love to get some feedback from other dads on this one. What name do you recommend?

And moms, I’m not disqualifying you from this. I’m just assuming you have slightly less interest in maintaining a vast catalog of dingley-doo-related euphemisms.

4 thoughts on “For Dads Only, a Serious Question: What Do You Call It?

  1. I believe Monty Python (or more accurately, Eric Idle) wrote a song with a bunch of good ideas in it (speaking of which, I believe it’s “John Thomas”, not “Thompson”).

    Other than that I’m out of ideas. We don’t even know what to name our unborn son at this point, but I think this naming will be more difficult (although originally I typed “harder”, I realized I finished middle school long ago).

  2. We have used anatomically correct terms with our five sons and two daughters, for the most part. However, our developmentally delayed son calls it his otter (udder), and we haven’t corrected him because it is just too hilarious.

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