I am blessed and honored to be able to contribute content to The Babylon Bee on occasion. The way it works is: I pitch them ideas for headlines, and if they like my pitch, they either take it and write the article, or they give me the chance to write the article myself. It’s fun and gratifying to be able to contribute even just a little bit to a site that does a lot of good work.
The thing is, I pitch a LOT of headline ideas. Many, many, many ideas every day. Because every day there’s a new news cycle with new people doing new stupid things and just begging to be made fun of. So, every day presents bushels of new opportunities for funny.
Most of the ideas that I pitch I think are pretty good, if I do say so myself. They’re not all exquisitely polished comedy gems — sometimes I’m just trying to jump on a meme while it’s hot or serve one of the Bee’s running gags (e.g., Chick-Fil-A jokes) — but I think most of the stuff I submit is pretty strong.
But I can afford to think that, because I don’t have anything like “editorial standards” or “audience expectations” or “reputation” to worry about. For people who do worry about those things, only a very small fraction of my submissions fill the bill.
So, since I’ve got all these ideas lying around that aren’t going to be published anywhere else, I thought I’d start sharing some of them right here. Some of them are going to be a little dated, because I’m going to wait a while to make sure they don’t get claimed before I do anything else. But those will just be better at evoking a feeling of nostalgia for what people were freaking out about two weeks ago before we all forgot it an moved on to outrage over something else.
Like, while waiting on the outcome of the George Floyd murder trial:
BLM Burns Small Minneapolis Suburb in Preparation for Riot Season
BLM, Antifa Wrap Up Spring Training with Intra-Squad Scrimmage; 17 Dead
Man Sitting On Cushy Sofa Drinking Mocha Latte Knows Exactly What Cop Should’ve Done in Split-Second Life-Or-Death Situation
When Pete Buttigieg said America’s highway system was racist:
Buttigieg to Replace Text on Interstate Highway Signs with Passages from “White Fragility”
When we found out the BLM founder had four houses:
Marxist Homeowner Puts Up “Property Is Theft” Sign on Her Property
Loser Activist Who Only Talks About Black-On-Black Violence Puts Small Down Payment on Two-Bedroom Fixer-Upper
And just miscellaneous topics:
Horrified Conservative Parents Find Proof of Vaccination Card Under Son’s Mattress
To Win Back Alienated Fans, MLB Announces Plan to Move All-Star Game to a NASCAR Track
Congressional Democrats Introduce Bill to Add Four Rioters to the Supreme Court
Johnson & Johnson Vaccine Condemned for Failing to Cure Death
Minneapolis Police Announce Plans to Move All Traffic Stops to Lobby of US Capitol Where It’s OK to Shoot People
With All Their Children in America, Mexican Parents Really Enjoying the Peace and Quiet
Pence Fuels Speculation About 2024 Presidential Run by Learning a Bunch of New Swear Words
Check back later for more slightly-below-real-satire-website-quality comedy!