How to Stop Being Paula Deen and Start Being Alec Baldwin

Given the recent dust-up over Paula Deen’s racially insensitive statements and the comparative silence over pretty much every stupid thing Alec Baldwin does, I bet a lot of people are wondering, “How can I be a loudmouth doofus and still get away with anything like Alec Baldwin?”

It’s even more confusing because double standards for coverage of faux pas like these are usually based on politics, but there’s no obvious difference between Deen and Baldwin politically. But if we look a little closer, I think we get a pretty clear picture of what it takes to make people completely immune to the consequences of their own stupidity.

Be From the Right Part of the Country

Paula’s first mistake was being born in the wrong place. To be accepted into the Inner Party, you have to be from the Northeast or the West Coast. (Some parts of the Midwest are also acceptable, as is any non-English-speaking country.) Unfortunately, Paula was born in an uncool part of the country, helpfully labeled on the map below as “Jesusland”:

Go to the Right Schools

Alec Baldwin went to NYU; Paula Deen went to the school of hard knocks. The school of hard knocks doesn’t have an endowment or a queer studies department, so screw them.

Don’t Make Your Living in a Way That Liberals Think is Icky

While Paula Deen is a TV personality–one of the most coveted liberal occupations, behind only UN General Secretary and oil spill otter scrubber–she rose to that position by making and selling buttery, fatty foods that people enjoy eating. You can’t get away with producing stuff like that. Although, to look at Alec Baldwin, you can get away with consuming it.

Support Liberal Causes. No, Support Them Harder!

Super-successful, wealthy types in non-approved industries like petroleum, pharmaceuticals, and everything that Microsoft does have to really bend over backward to win liberal acceptance. Paula may pal around with liberal politicians sometimes, but if she wanted to really get in good with them, she would set up some The Paula Deen Foundation for Studying Some Unsolveable Problem Which is Actually a Slush Fund for Leftie Activists.

Don’t Have a Fan Base Composed Mostly of Undesirables

Look at these people waiting outside Paula Deen’s restaurant:

Do you think any of those people could get onto the guest list at a Kardashian wedding? Have any of them ever been to a global climate conference? Of course not. You could look a long time before finding a single transgendered illegal alien in there. Anybody with fans like that must be a racist.

So there you go. Follow that simple list of dos and don’ts and you can do pretty much whatever you want.