Terrible Predictions for 2013

Not that all the predictions are of terrible things (although they kind of are); just that I’m terrible at making predictions. Don’t put your money on any of these. In fact, I’m kind of rooting against most of them myself. But hey, it’s the first of the year so… predictions!

As Obamacare is implemented, it turns out to be great; we all get easy, affordable, quality heath care. And ponies!  Ha ha ha, no. Actually, it’s a train wreck, but you already knew that. The more people try to actually implement Obamacare the more they realize that it is like trying to carry 100 pounds of horse manure without a bag. Official implementation deadlines get pushed back again and again; waivers are issued freely to friends of the administration.

Plaintiffs lose their religious freedom lawsuits against Obamacare. In case you can’t tell, the passage of Obamacare and subsequent Supreme Court ruling in its favor (Roberts!! A thousand curses upon you!) have made me a little pessimistic about future challenges. Hobby Lobby et al run out of legal recourse against the law and are forced into…

Civil disobedience against Obamacare becomes a real thing. Some businesses and religious organizations will defy the demands of Obamacare and dare the government to try and collect the fines. They’ll be relentlessly vilified by the press, but they’ll get a lot of grassroots support. It’ll be like Chick-fil-a day every day! Only illegal!

Football gets mild. The wave of litigation starts to break over the NFL. Lawsuits and threats of lawsuits cause rule changes that place such a premium on player safety that quarterbacks are able to play entire games without putting down their beers or taking the cigars out of their mouths.

At least one of Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, or Anthony Kennedy dies or retires. The fact that Barack Obama gets to name the replacement makes this the most horrible thing I could contemplate. If you think American politics is ugly and divisive now, wait until you get a load of these confirmation hearings.

People continue not to care about the Oscars. Viewership of the award show reaches an all-time low as not even all the people in the Kodak Theater audience watch the presentation, instead watching parody videos of “Gangnam Style” or tweeting furiously. Most don’t even tweet about the Oscars, including Jack Nicholson, who spends the entire 4-hour broadcast describing his efforts to get a piece of bar-b-q out of his teeth.

Somewhere in the world, somebody sets off a nuclear bomb. Yes, this is terrifying. But it’s bound to happen at some point; there are lots of people trying to build one, they’re going to get it right eventually, and they ain’t doing it to take to the county fair. Let’s just move on.

For reasons that no one can fathom, the American economy doesn’t collapse. Like physics can’t explain how a fat bumblebee can fly with such tiny wings, there’s no academic explanation for why the US economy doesn’t implode. It’s not like everything is hunky-dory, but in spite of the best efforts of the President and Congress, things do manage to limp along for one more year. All that means, though, is that the inevitable collapse will be that much bigger when it comes. I still recommend investing all your money in shotgun shells and bottled water.

Well, wasn’t that cheery? I’m sorry I couldn’t be more optimistic, but we live in a fallen world, and it seems like that’s even more evident lately. Chin up, though; later this week I’ll have some resolutions to make the year more bearable.

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