Some of the more optimistic (and/or delusional) conservative commentators are trying talk themselves into believing that John Roberts’ opinion on Obamacare was really some kind of brilliant strategic move that will really benefit some conservative cause in the long run. I am skeptical, because if Roberts really wanted to do any of the things they say he wanted to do, there are much easier, smarter ways to get there. I’ve laid out some examples in a convenient table below.
| If Roberts wanted to… | The smart thing to do is… |
| Strike down Obamacare | Vote to strike down Obamacare. |
| Limit the continued expansion and misuse of the Commerce Clause | Vote to strike down Obamacare. |
| Give the Republicans an election year issue | Vote to strike down Obamacare; note in his ruling that he, Thomas, and Scalia are thinking about retiring from the court to follow Journey around the country (Because that new singer is awesome! Like vintage Steve Perry!), so if you like this ruling, y’know, maybe you should consider who you want to be naming their replacements. |
| Preserve the reputation of the Court as a politically independent body | Vote to strike down Obamacare, so you don’t look like you’re wussing out in the face of a bombardment of liberal criticism. |
| Expand the taxing power of the federal government | Start showing up to work in a gold speedo and Mickey Mouse ears, or some other less destructive way to show that you’re insane. |
| Make it impossible for liberals to criticize future conservative court decisions | See above. |
| Make the consequences of elections vividly obvious to the country | Vote to uphold Obamacare without caveats; wipe butt with copy of the Constitution; say, “Enjoy your death panels, suckers!”; walk out of Court and get on helicopter bound for your retirement home in the Cayman Islands. |