Alright, I thought I had covered all the bases in the Cynical Christian Bracket Challenge of Everything. However, recent events have thrown off the fundamental balance of the universe and turned all truth inside-out. I’m talking of course about the recent release of the KFC Double Down chicken sandwich–the sandwich that uses to pieces of fried chicken instead of bread.
When you start a bracket challenge to determine the best among all good things, you don’t expect some new good thing to come along and so completely redefine how good a good thing can be. I mean, looks at the thing. What remaining contestant could really challenge it? Sunshine? Laughing? Please. Bacon might be able to make a run, but come on, it’s got bacon in it. So, really, the whole exercise just feels moot now. (Really, until you have this beauty in your hands, everything feel moot, doesn’t it? It’s okay if you feel like crying. Just let it out.)
But, as a purely hypothetical exercise, pretending we still live in a world without the Double Down, let’s see how the bracket challenge would have played out.
We had made it to the Sweet 16, with strong favorites and exciting upstarts still in the mix. Back Rubs and Bacon were looking unstoppable, but Broken-In Jeans and Good Parking Place were looking strong as lower seeds.
But #1 seed Back Rubs stops #13 Good Parking Place’s momentum cold, looking loose and relaxed with a dominating performance.
# 6 seed Broken-In Jeans, however, slips past #2 Naps, looking like a veteran performer.
#1 seed and powerhouse The Beach had its hands full against #5 Your Favorite Music Service, but pullled away late, because you don’t really need music with a sunset like that.
#3 seed Facebook gets by # 7 Having a Good Comeback, which just couldn’t come through in the clutch.
The first #1 seed to fall is Laughing, upset by #4 Sleeping In, because, when you think about it, would you wake up early to hear a joke, even if it was really, really good. I think not.
#2 seed Sunshine rolls over Cinderella and fan favorite #14 Bikinis.
In the most exciting match-up of the tourney, #1 seed Bacon and #4 seed Candy slug it out in a classic, back-and-forth affair. But late heroics from candied bacon turned the tide in favor of the #1.
Last but not least, #3 seed Compound Interest gets by #2 Winning in a controversial game that included accusations of a payoff.
In the elite 8:
#1 Back Rubs over #6 Broken-In Jeans
#1 The Beach over #3 Facebook
#4 Sleeping In over #2 Sunshine
#1 Bacon over #3 Compound Interest
You knew Bacon was going to roll into the Final Four, but does it have enough to vanquish upstart Sleeping In? And who can pick between Back Rubs and The Beach? Your stunning final match-up is:
#1 The Beach v. #4 Sleeping In
Yes, even Bacon can be over-confident; even though it looks sluggish, you can’t take Sleeping In lightly. But in the David Butler v. Duke Goliath final, your greatest of all things is:
(Can you tell it’s spring break? Wonder what’s been on my mind.) Congratulations to all our contestants, and to our hypothetical winner, even though we know it’s really the Double Down Chicken Sandwich.
And if KFC wants to throw a sponsorship to this blog, I’m all ears.