Newspaper Accidentally Publishes Non-Panic-Inducing Article

In the New York Times (yes, the Times), John Tierney provides a list of ten things you don’t have to worry about anymore, including:

4. Carcinogenic cellphones. Some prominent brain surgeons made news on Larry King’s show this year with their fears of cellphones, thereby establishing once and for all that epidemiology is not brain surgery — it’s more complicated.

As my colleague Tara Parker-Pope has noted, there is no known biological mechanism for the phones’ non-ionizing radiation to cause cancer, and epidemiological studies have failed to find consistent links between cancer and cellphones.

And, surprisingly:

8. The Arctic’s missing ice. The meltdown in the Arctic last summer was bad enough, but this spring there was worse news. A majority of experts expected even more melting this year, and some scientists created a media sensation by predicting that even the North Pole would be ice-free by the end of summer.

So far, though, there’s more ice than at this time last summer, and most experts are no longer expecting a new record. You can still fret about long-term trends in the Arctic, but you can set aside one worry: This summer it looks as if Santa can still have his drinks on the rocks.

Well, surprise, surprise. You mean the arctic might not evaporate and the poor little polar bears might not spontaneously burst into flame? In this new spirit of optimism, I’d like to add a few more items to the list of things you don’t have to worry about:

— Where you’re going to take Jessica Alba on your big date.
— What you’re going to do with all that extra money you made from selling “Edwards ’08” bumper stickers.
— How Barack Obama will hold up against critical, hard-nosed reporters.
— Long lines to see “Space Chimps.”