People Who Will Never, Ever, Ever Be President of the United States [The Best of jaceonline]

Author’s note: I used to blog at, and in an effort to introduce myself to new readers and hopefully wring a little more entertainment value out of those old posts, I’m going to be dipping into the old site and re-posting some of my favorite entries. Hey, if Leo Sayer can have a “best of” collection, so can I.

As I’ve said before, I am terrible at predictions. Even for someone who’s good at it, making political predictions so far from election time is a dicey proposition at best. However, some of the names that are being tossed out as if they have a legitimate chance to win the presidency seem so obviously ridiculous to me that I have to step out on the record to say that it will never, ever happen. No chance in H-E-double-hockey-sticks.

Rudy Giuliani – Obviously, he’s a capable guy and a good leader. A senate seat from New York is his for the taking. Literally. I mean, he wouldn’t even have to run. He could just walk into Hillary Clinton’s office, say, “What are you doing in my seat, beyotch?” and throw her out into the street. And the people of New York would cheer him for it. He could serve in the Senate for as long as he wanted.

But look, his record as a moderate (i.e., liberal) on social issues is too long and well-known for him to dance around it now. Democrats will never vote for a liberal Republican when they could just vote for a Democrat. Republicans will never vote for a liberal Republican, period. Rudy, please, for your own good and the good of the country, just go whip Hillary’s ass and do some good in the Senate.

Al Gore – Now, I’m not saying he won’t be the nominee. I’m just saying he’ll never be president. And it’s odd to say that, considering how close he got the first time. But in the intervening years, he has been less than statesmanlike. He thinks global warming is his ticket back to prominence, but he’s beaten that issue into the ground worse than Joe Pesci at the end of Casino, and still nobody cares. For people like me, who dislike self-righteous jackasses who get lots of free publicity (I know there must be some people who dig on that, because the E! channel continues to exist), he will continue to be a nuisance, but nothing more.

John McCain – Half the Republican base thinks he’s a sell-out, the other half thinks he’s a wacko. Since he was essentially the runner-up in the last contested Republican primary, he probably thinks it’s his turn. And he probably would do well early in the primary season, in Iowa and New Hampshire. But cover your eyes on Super Tuesday, because this guy will absolutely get his clock cleaned in the Deep South.

Newt Gingrich – Another guy who would serve the country well as something other than president. Smart guy, outstanding strategist, but does not play well with others. But I have to say, if the crap really hits the fan in the Middle East, I rescind this prediction for both Newt and McCain. During tough times, meanies and wackos become much more valuable.

Update: John Hawkins on Right Wing News backs up my opinion on Rudy, with lots of relevant history on the mayor’s lightweight conservative credentials. He calls Rudy “a more charismatic version of Arlen Specter,” and I cannot think of a more damning put-down for a Republican.

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